Federal Republic of Adjustments

By Lanre OGUNDIPE 

The Federal Government has assured Nigerians that the security situation is under control and has therefore unveiled several innovative survival measures to help citizens adapt more efficiently to insecurity.

Speaking after the 19th Emergency National Security Summit this quarter alone, officials confirmed that while insecurity may persist temporarily, citizens should remain calm and continue adjusting responsibly.

According to the newly released National Survival Guidelines, Nigerians are advised to: travel only during “government-approved daylight,” avoid breathing too confidently near forests,

and always maintain emergency ransom liquidity for unforeseen interactions with non-state revenue collectors.

The Presidency further clarified that kidnapping should no longer be viewed negatively, but as “an involuntary rural tourism interruption.”

In recognition of changing national realities, several institutions have also updated their operational procedures.

Commercial banks are reportedly preparing specialised “Kidnap Response Accounts” with flexible withdrawal options for distressed families. Some fintech companies are already developing apps capable of locating nearby POS vendors during abduction negotiations.

Meanwhile, insurance firms are considering introducing “Premium Family Extraction Plans” with attractive packages for silver, gold, and platinum subscribers.

A senior official explained that:

“Government cannot do everything. Citizens must also take responsibility for their own temporary disappearance.”

The education sector has equally embraced reforms.

Primary schools are expected to introduce Civic Survival Studies as a compulsory subject. Pupils will now study:

Advanced Bush Navigation,

Introduction to Negotiation Psychology,

Applied Silence in Captivity, and Basic Identification of Friendly and Unfriendly Gunshots.

WAEC is also considering practical examinations where students may be required to identify the safest route between Kaduna and Abuja without using highways, villages, or existence itself.

Religious institutions have not been left behind. Churches and mosques are already updating prayer formats to reflect present realities.

Traditional prayers such as: "Give us this day our daily bread” have reportedly been upgraded to: "Give us this day our daily safe return.”

Several pastors are also organising special midnight deliverance services tagged:

“Operation Pass Without Contact.”

At one such crusade, worshippers were advised to sow “Seed of Invisible Movement” to prevent unpleasant encounters during interstate journeys.

The transport sector has adjusted admirably.

Luxury buses now advertise: "Air-conditioned, CCTV-enabled and only moderately kidnappable.”

Passengers travelling after 6pm are entitled to complimentary prayers and one emergency contact registration form before departure.

In a bid to improve coordination, the government is said to be considering the establishment of the Federal Ministry of Fear Management and Adaptive Movement.

The ministry’s responsibilities will include: announcing officially safe hours,

updating monthly ransom benchmarks,

and issuing seasonal warnings concerning heavily discounted abduction corridors.

A spokesman explained: "We cannot eliminate fear completely, but we can regulate traffic around it.”

Meanwhile, security agencies have intensified operations by organising another high-level conference on Strategic Stakeholder Synergy for Enhanced Tactical Containment Frameworks.

The meeting ended successfully after several powerful speeches and a group photograph.

Unfortunately, while the conference was ongoing, reports emerged that another community had been attacked approximately 14 kilometres away from the venue. Officials condemned the incident immediately after lunch.

Political leaders have also urged Nigerians not to politicise insecurity, insisting that previous governments were equally unable to protect citizens effectively. Citizens have welcomed this bipartisan consistency with cautious optimism.

Elsewhere, real estate developers are now marketing estates using upgraded security classifications:

“Kidnap-resistant environment”

“Bandit-sensitive location”

“Negotiation-friendly neighbourhood”

and “Low probability of midnight visitation.”

One Abuja estate reportedly offers panic rooms, emergency escape tunnels, and free trauma counselling for first-time residents.

The economy itself continues to diversify impressively.

Beyond oil and agriculture, Nigeria now boasts one of Africa’s fastest-growing fear-based informal sectors: ransom negotiation,

private escorts,

tactical prayer consultancy,

emergency fundraising,

survival intelligence sharing, and premium convoy logistics.

 Experts say the sector remains largely untaxed despite generating enormous emotional revenue.

To address concerns over rising insecurity, the government has promised more decisive action in coming months, including:

additional checkpoints,

fresh committees,

stronger condemnations,

and upgraded operational code names powerful enough to frighten criminals spiritually.

Citizens have expressed gratitude for these efforts and are expected to continue adjusting patriotically until further notice.

At press time, the Federal Government announced plans to commemorate Democracy Day with a national symposium titled: “Living Productively Under Manageable Fear.”

Attendance is compulsory.

Provided attendees arrive safely Behind The Mask.

Ogundipe is a veteran journalist and a renowned columnist. He writes for THE BEAGLE NEWS